Tuesday, January 15, 2008
It begins again...
I will wait until I sober up before I say more, but let's just see if any of these schmucks are any better than Rachael. For my part, I'm a tad skeptical.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I should have given BIRTH!
Damn you Joaquin and your insistence that I bring a child into this world because of love and not fame.
Apparently an Idol wannabe in Texas literally WENT INTO LABOR when she got up to sing in front of the judges during the first round (the round I got turned away from, apparently because I was not able to break water. GOD! Add that to the list of things I wish I knew before auditioning):
Just as she finally had her chance after waiting for 16 hours, "I felt something over my body when I was walking," she said in a telephone interview from her hospital bed Wednesday after giving birth to a healthy boy — her second — Tuesday morning.
It gets so soooo much better. She named the child: Jamil Labarron Idol McCowan. That's right.
I think the folks at BestWeekEver say it best when they assume Jamil's siblings must be named: Jaclyn Oldsmobile Singing Bee, Raheem Seville Flavor Of Love 2 and Tamara Town Car Amazing Race: Family Edition.
She moves on to the next round which I'm sure is entirely due to her stirring rendition of 702's Get It Together and nothing to do with live child birth.
Apparently an Idol wannabe in Texas literally WENT INTO LABOR when she got up to sing in front of the judges during the first round (the round I got turned away from, apparently because I was not able to break water. GOD! Add that to the list of things I wish I knew before auditioning):
Just as she finally had her chance after waiting for 16 hours, "I felt something over my body when I was walking," she said in a telephone interview from her hospital bed Wednesday after giving birth to a healthy boy — her second — Tuesday morning.
It gets so soooo much better. She named the child: Jamil Labarron Idol McCowan. That's right.
I think the folks at BestWeekEver say it best when they assume Jamil's siblings must be named: Jaclyn Oldsmobile Singing Bee, Raheem Seville Flavor Of Love 2 and Tamara Town Car Amazing Race: Family Edition.
She moves on to the next round which I'm sure is entirely due to her stirring rendition of 702's Get It Together and nothing to do with live child birth.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
9th Ring of Hell - the BOR Version - Final
As Rachael drives because I need to go back to concentrating more intently on my drooling, I espouse my 2 key theories as to how Rachael could possibly have been overlooked by these idiot judges.
1) This is an open casting call for a reality show. It’s not a singing contest, as Simon et al like to say again and again, it’s a reality show. The producers are looking for certain types, certain roles to fill. There is enough of a talent pool that they can find singers, so they are more concerned with types. Rach said they took one look at them and had basically dismissed them before they even started singing. That’s because no one in her group fit any of the roles they’re looking to fill. She also said producers were pacing back and forth behind the booths, scanning the crowds. They’re there to catch anyone the booth people might accidentally overlook. They weren’t listening, though, just looking.
2) Ok, this one is a little more controversial. I may be wrong here, but I believe there are people who skip the first cattle-call part of the auditions and go straight to Simon, Paula and Randy. A very good friend of mine, who shall go un-named, tried out for a very famous reality show that I will also not name for legal reasons (but it rhymes with ‘schmapprentice”). She was sent there by her agents and told that she was actually being considered as were the other people submitted this way. The thousands who went through the public process were basically ignored as this was mostly a publicity stunt to drum up business for the show. I think Idol does the same thing. No one ever asked Rachael her story. How does Idol get all these great stories if they’re not out in the crowd looking for them? It’s just a coincidence that a guy who missed his baby’s birth to audition ends up in the top ten? Ditto the daughter of a famous football player? I think the producers find themselves a number of people through various means and let in a very small percentage from the actual cattle calls. Those are mainly for finding the freaks.
My first theory is almost definitely fact, my second is probably so. No matter what, I don’t know what these crazy people were looking for. Here’s what I’m certain of – they’re definitely missing out by passing on our Rachael.
Frozen yogurt, sleeping on the couch, excellent delivery and cable tv followed. As we take some time to figure out our next course of action in Operation Make Rachael Famous, I have one important thing to say – Rach, I want that makeup.
1) This is an open casting call for a reality show. It’s not a singing contest, as Simon et al like to say again and again, it’s a reality show. The producers are looking for certain types, certain roles to fill. There is enough of a talent pool that they can find singers, so they are more concerned with types. Rach said they took one look at them and had basically dismissed them before they even started singing. That’s because no one in her group fit any of the roles they’re looking to fill. She also said producers were pacing back and forth behind the booths, scanning the crowds. They’re there to catch anyone the booth people might accidentally overlook. They weren’t listening, though, just looking.
2) Ok, this one is a little more controversial. I may be wrong here, but I believe there are people who skip the first cattle-call part of the auditions and go straight to Simon, Paula and Randy. A very good friend of mine, who shall go un-named, tried out for a very famous reality show that I will also not name for legal reasons (but it rhymes with ‘schmapprentice”). She was sent there by her agents and told that she was actually being considered as were the other people submitted this way. The thousands who went through the public process were basically ignored as this was mostly a publicity stunt to drum up business for the show. I think Idol does the same thing. No one ever asked Rachael her story. How does Idol get all these great stories if they’re not out in the crowd looking for them? It’s just a coincidence that a guy who missed his baby’s birth to audition ends up in the top ten? Ditto the daughter of a famous football player? I think the producers find themselves a number of people through various means and let in a very small percentage from the actual cattle calls. Those are mainly for finding the freaks.
My first theory is almost definitely fact, my second is probably so. No matter what, I don’t know what these crazy people were looking for. Here’s what I’m certain of – they’re definitely missing out by passing on our Rachael.
Frozen yogurt, sleeping on the couch, excellent delivery and cable tv followed. As we take some time to figure out our next course of action in Operation Make Rachael Famous, I have one important thing to say – Rach, I want that makeup.
9th Ring of Hell - the BOR Version - Part Four
Rach returns with amazing news. She has run into a friend of hers from San Francisco. She is hiding in a stadium tunnel and she knows how to cut the line! Rachael says she will be back, but I cannot stand another minute in that same small area, so she kindly takes me with her. I will have to learn to drool and walk at the same time.
We meet Rach’s friend, Sarah, who tells us that the Idol staff do not check tickets when letting in each group to audition. The key is to hang back in the secret underground tunnel, then jump in with the section once they begin making their way onto the field. I promise Rachael I will bail her out of Idol jail if she is caught. But she isn’t! As stated earlier, Rach’s friend Sara is the Harriet Tubman of American Idol Auditions and her crazy plan works. I grab all the stuff and head to the other side of the stadium so I can get a closer look as Rach takes the long walk towards the audition booths.
I can’t hear anything, but I can see her reach the front of the line, sing last and grab the attention of the other people in her group. I am sure she will make the next round. Absolutely positive. I will bet money on it. Then I see Rach hold her wrist out over the garbage can of shame. NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
We agree via cell to meet back at the car. Instead of devastated, we feel strangely victorious. This may stem from the fact that we are escaping hell just before 3pm, instead of sometime in the middle of the night. Cheating is the way to go, people. It’s my favorite.
One more post to come to finish the story.
We meet Rach’s friend, Sarah, who tells us that the Idol staff do not check tickets when letting in each group to audition. The key is to hang back in the secret underground tunnel, then jump in with the section once they begin making their way onto the field. I promise Rachael I will bail her out of Idol jail if she is caught. But she isn’t! As stated earlier, Rach’s friend Sara is the Harriet Tubman of American Idol Auditions and her crazy plan works. I grab all the stuff and head to the other side of the stadium so I can get a closer look as Rach takes the long walk towards the audition booths.
I can’t hear anything, but I can see her reach the front of the line, sing last and grab the attention of the other people in her group. I am sure she will make the next round. Absolutely positive. I will bet money on it. Then I see Rach hold her wrist out over the garbage can of shame. NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
We agree via cell to meet back at the car. Instead of devastated, we feel strangely victorious. This may stem from the fact that we are escaping hell just before 3pm, instead of sometime in the middle of the night. Cheating is the way to go, people. It’s my favorite.
One more post to come to finish the story.
9th Ring of Hell - the BOR Version - Part Three
This is where my notes stop, so I will have to re-create the rest from memory. The despair persisted for a while. We munched on the snacks we had brought (individual-size packets of hummus and pita chips from Whole Foods – yummy). This is not enough, so Rach announces she is off to buy us some pizza, disappearing yet again and leaving me to my drooling. Having spent a good portion of my drooling time imagining the delicious combo of cheese and pepperoni, I am gravely disappointed to see Rachael return with hot dogs. She claims she could not find the pizza. I have seen 5000 sheep walk by with pizza I wanted to rip out of their hands. How could these morons all manage to succeed at this task but Rachael, with her significant IQ and stellar SAT scores (read: better than mine), fail? Ah – the paradox that is our Rach.
I send her back into the abyss to find ketchup. I am proud to say she found some which made the hot-dog-eating experience pleasurable, even if it wasn’t pizza. Food consumed, we check on the audition progress. Progress is a very flowery word for what was occurring. They were 3 and a half hours in and had made their way through 4 sections at the most. Our seats were in section 19 and these people started at section 1. At this rate they were going to pack up and go home before they ever got close to us.
Tension ran high in this part of the stadium. The first people in line, the crazies who had camped in the woods or merely driven around the stadium for hours until they were let in were facing the possibility of not being able to audition. I thought for sure I was going to get to see spontaneous combustion up close and personal.
Rach announced her intention to find a way to cheat. I go back to drooling. Another girl with a piece of stadium floor real estate near us went off on a recon mission. She returned with good news. A P.A. told her that everyone with a yellow wristband would be allowed to audition, the judges would stay all night if they had to. He also conceded there had been a fuck-up with the audition order. As Rach would eloquently respond - no-doy.
I send her back into the abyss to find ketchup. I am proud to say she found some which made the hot-dog-eating experience pleasurable, even if it wasn’t pizza. Food consumed, we check on the audition progress. Progress is a very flowery word for what was occurring. They were 3 and a half hours in and had made their way through 4 sections at the most. Our seats were in section 19 and these people started at section 1. At this rate they were going to pack up and go home before they ever got close to us.
Tension ran high in this part of the stadium. The first people in line, the crazies who had camped in the woods or merely driven around the stadium for hours until they were let in were facing the possibility of not being able to audition. I thought for sure I was going to get to see spontaneous combustion up close and personal.
Rach announced her intention to find a way to cheat. I go back to drooling. Another girl with a piece of stadium floor real estate near us went off on a recon mission. She returned with good news. A P.A. told her that everyone with a yellow wristband would be allowed to audition, the judges would stay all night if they had to. He also conceded there had been a fuck-up with the audition order. As Rach would eloquently respond - no-doy.
9th Ring of Hell - the BOR Version - Part Two
7:02 AM – We spot a contestant dressed as a pimp. I observe that he should have no trouble finding employees in this crowd.
8:15 AM – WE GET IN!!! Alas. We think we’re victorious, but little do we know our entire victory consists of gaining access to hell.
9:30 AM – We are yelling “I’m the next American Idol!” and “Stay Classy San Diego!” along with 10,000 other Idol cult members on the cue of the irritating producer with the megaphone. I try to explain the concept of “no camera aimed anywhere in our vicinity” to the sheep around us, but they aren’t having any of it. When the producer says wave your arms, they wave and smile like it’s their own personal close-up. They have the nerve to glare at me when I sit back in my seat and refuse to play along. The camera never pointed anywhere but at a small section of folks far far away from us. The cool-aid is beginning to lose its effect on Rachael.
10 AM – We realize we have been screwed, but royally. In a mix-up, the last people to get their wristbands will audition first and the people who camped out in the hills above Qualcomm Stadium to be first in line (seriously – we met people at McDonald’s who did exactly this) will audition last. I smell a riot a’brewin’.
10:10 AM – They start auditioning the first group.
10:23 AM – We (Rachael was the one with the sense, I was just smart enough to follow) have the sense to leave our sun-scorched seats and head undercover to escape the heat. We stake out the bit of stadium floor next to the lemonade stand that will become my home for the next 5 hours. Rachael will abandon me for most of that, which is fine, because she seems to have summoned some energy while I have just enough to stare off into space and drool.
11:25 AM – Despair.
11:46 AM – Rachael declares that neither one of us can look at the Idol audition progress for 2 hours. I start to agree and then remember that she is not the boss of me. I remind her who is the boss of whom and she concedes with a gentle, “crap”.
8:15 AM – WE GET IN!!! Alas. We think we’re victorious, but little do we know our entire victory consists of gaining access to hell.
9:30 AM – We are yelling “I’m the next American Idol!” and “Stay Classy San Diego!” along with 10,000 other Idol cult members on the cue of the irritating producer with the megaphone. I try to explain the concept of “no camera aimed anywhere in our vicinity” to the sheep around us, but they aren’t having any of it. When the producer says wave your arms, they wave and smile like it’s their own personal close-up. They have the nerve to glare at me when I sit back in my seat and refuse to play along. The camera never pointed anywhere but at a small section of folks far far away from us. The cool-aid is beginning to lose its effect on Rachael.
10 AM – We realize we have been screwed, but royally. In a mix-up, the last people to get their wristbands will audition first and the people who camped out in the hills above Qualcomm Stadium to be first in line (seriously – we met people at McDonald’s who did exactly this) will audition last. I smell a riot a’brewin’.
10:10 AM – They start auditioning the first group.
10:23 AM – We (Rachael was the one with the sense, I was just smart enough to follow) have the sense to leave our sun-scorched seats and head undercover to escape the heat. We stake out the bit of stadium floor next to the lemonade stand that will become my home for the next 5 hours. Rachael will abandon me for most of that, which is fine, because she seems to have summoned some energy while I have just enough to stare off into space and drool.
11:25 AM – Despair.
11:46 AM – Rachael declares that neither one of us can look at the Idol audition progress for 2 hours. I start to agree and then remember that she is not the boss of me. I remind her who is the boss of whom and she concedes with a gentle, “crap”.
While we wait for Brittani's next post....
Some breaking Idol related news:
Despite celebrity vagina shots and drunk driving viewed as “addiction” – certain things in our culture are considered sacred. And certainly the combination of some of these things ranks up there with Jesus and supporting the troops.
One such combination was idiotically stumbled upon by ex-Idol co-host from season one, Brian Dunkleman when he combined a joke about AIDS and RYAN SEACREST. Is he insane???? Despite his own bitterness can he not see that cheesy one-liners (re: “Seacrest OUT!) and sexual ambiguity aside RYAN SEACREST IS AS BELOVED AS FREAKING AMERICAN PIE IN THIS COUNTRY??? Add that to AIDS??!!
You can read more here. w00t.
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